dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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