Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
