I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize