I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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