Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
