I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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