Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Randomize
