Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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