So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
