Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
