ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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