I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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