watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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