i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
