Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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