Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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