i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
