theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
