He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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