once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
