bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
