my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
