You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
