Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
