what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
