I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
