after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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