I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
