Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
