She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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