Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
