Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
the room spins SO much faster in panama
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
