I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
