You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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