dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
