wrigley field is MILF paradise
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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