I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
