I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
