GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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