he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
