Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
