if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize