You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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