Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize