my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
