I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
