Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize