remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize