I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
