Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Did I show you my penis last night?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
