How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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