He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
