I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
