the condom got lost in my hair
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
