I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
