i just sent this text using only my big toe
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
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