The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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